Can I tell you a story? Well, the story begins where there was this beautiful and charming damsel whose physical endowments and her talking, walking and smiling habitude imprisoned your entire being to such an extent that you lost your bearings and wove around yourself such a web of fantasies that you no longer seemed to possess a life of your own. In those days, the lips of this woman distilled nectar and under her tongue were milk and honey. Your love for her was so strong that it could best be described as bird limes – a sticky and gummy stuff – because the more the days passed slowly, the more connected and closer both of you had become. Within the structure of your fantasies, this woman reigned supreme. She was the most beautiful, the purest and the most fascinating and fruitful dreams of your life. Whenever you were alone, the invincible she seemed to be by your side.
Without making up stories, you have once confessed that you welcomed wholeheartedly the day you met her; the day you summoned the courage to tell her that you were having a huge crush on her; the day she nodded her acceptance to your love proposal. In short, it was the day in which you threw enthusiastic peeps at the world; the day you wished that the world could remain still just for two of you.
In case you have forgotten, let me slightly jog your memory about how you threatened to severe ties with some of your friends and relatives for lashing out at you for your “unfaithfulness” and “insincerity” when the picture became more distinct and obvious that you had yet again jilted another lady to crush on another one – who incidentally is now your wife whom you wished you had never met. You warned that you would deal decisively with anybody who dares to meddle in your love life. You have forgotten too soon how you used to boast that you could do anything for this woman. You have once boasted you could hunt down the moon and the stars for her; that you could even battle the gods for her sake.
It was no secret that prior to the time this woman moved into your house, you had cruised through several sleepless nights fantasizing about having an uninterrupted and untainted bed of roses life with her. But unfortunately, that woman is the same person whom today you have converted to a punching bag. “Finding a woman you love; a woman you want to be the mother of your unborn kids; a woman you desire with every fibre of your being; a woman you want to stay with every day and every night all the days of your life, sleeping (especially if she is yet to move into your apartment), is like an uphill task – it would seemed like a waste of time.” That was what you said hypothetically in your attempt to defend yourself when some of your friends were teasing you about your strange and unfathomable carriage over a woman.
Unlike in the good old days when maidens were married out by their parents to their suitors without any form of ante nuptial relationship, you and your wife had a lusty and romantic courtship before both of you became a couple. Like a football striker taking his time to take a penalty kick, you had quite enough time at your disposal to prepare and perform the marital rites which then formalized your marriage. Did you not take the marriage vows of your own volition? Was a gun placed on your head with a threat to rip your skull apart if you say the contrary other than, “I do”? You said, “I do” displaying a flash of smile which spread across all the corners of your face. Besides, you became more dramatic when you planted a long – drawn – out kiss on her lips as if it was something that must be done to seal your marriage vows. Do you know that it took the efforts of your guests to say in chorus, “aaaahhhh, e don do o o” before you disentangled your lips from hers?
Did I hear you say you did not take any marriage vows and that you only performed traditional marriage rites and not church wedding? Remember that nobody confined you to a tether and railroaded you into proposing marriage to her; neither was you hoodwinked to perform the marriage rites that consummated your union as husband and wife. Please, do not misrepresent my stance on this issue. My intention is not to disparage or belittle your personality; rather I would like to remind you how it took you several sleepless nights building castles in the air for both of you. Howbeit, don’t tell me you have forgotten so soon (because I know you are not bird brained ) how you fell head over heels in love with this woman and how you had raced uncontrollably (like a drunkard descending from an acclivity or a slope) to ask her parents for their consent for you to marry their daughter. You were not under duress when you gave your word to her and her parents as well, that you would do everything humanly possible to love and protect her.
But unfortunately, all that has become history, today. You have completely desecrated and profaned your marriage vows undermining whatever custom through which the marriage was contracted. You and your wife now navigate a life that is akin to that of cat and mouse. It is very interesting to know that it is now it dawns on you that your wife’s head is bigger or smaller than normal; that her legs are too fat and muscular or too tiny and skinny; it is now you come to realize that your wife is not only too dirty, but also too local and unfashionable to such as an extent that her dressing bent does not befit a woman who should be your wife. Besides, it is now you come to realize that she snores like a pig. Unfortunately, her snoring which before now used to be tunefully melodious to your ears has suddenly become something you loathe hearing that it can now be said to be as harsh and infuriating to you as the buzzing of mosquitoes.
However, it is very obvious that you are plagued with a strongly – held belief that you have made a wrong choice by marrying her. Therefore, you think the best line of action you should take is to give her the horrors. You have become a tyrant and bullyboy. Whenever you are at home, the atmosphere becomes so charged and tense to such an alarming rate that your presence transmits a wave of fear and panic through the whole being of your wife and children. More so, you have the proclivity to blame your wife virtually for everything that goes wrong in the house and you so much relished in making condescending and punitive comments to her as if you were talking to a Child. Nothing she does ever seem to catche your fancy. You have an A1 grade in the field of criticism, especially when your wife is the subject matter. In fact, you have indeed succeeded in making her your ape.
In your view, you are smarter, more knowledgeable and better than your wife and everyone else (even King Solomon) at making decisions. You have always shot down (as dumb and bunkum) her ideas on how things should be done for the good of the home. Oftentimes, you pushed and shoved her thoughts and feelings to the back seat and sometimes out of the door down the streets into oblivion. You interrupt her and stuff your points (sometimes, unsavory and unpalatable) down her throat. She cannot talk while you are talking unless she wants to receive some dirty and unwarranted bashing. You push and shove until you get what you want. You instill fear into her and your children to earn their respect; but unfortunately, you have forgotten that fear has never been touted as a steady and stable foundation or ground for building and nurturing healthy relationship. You have on several occasions threatened to divorce your wife to marry another woman. And, in order to heighten her fear and pain, you have “zipped up.” And now you have decided to give her the silent treatment. Your disdain for her is evidently unclouded that she does not need to be told that she is in the doghouse as your antagonistic and uncouth temperament depicts her as a parody of a woman who has overstayed her welcome in her husband’s house.
It is sad to know that both of you now engage yourselves in a battle of wit over who your kids should support. You equipped your innocent kids for battle and you now use them as ammunitions or witnesses against each another. However, it is so disheartening to see that both of you have forgotten that subjecting your children to the way of emotional trauma is indeed a cruel and unreasonable thing to do.
Oga, permit me to inform you that it is not a taboo for a man and his wife to have disagreements. Sometimes, disagreements, if properly handled can sprout out opportunities for the warring couple to see reasons why love, respect and mutual understanding should be encouraged and entrenched with every vigor in their marriage. Agreed, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Also, I agree that if you ask your wife to pack her belongings and leave your house today, there are many women out there who may be more than ready to occupy her place. Nevertheless, has it not been said that “every lizard is lying down on their bellies and nobody knows the one that is suffering from a bellyache”?
Therefore, on this premise, let me advise that the rough and tumble relationship plaguing your marriage today is not insurmountable – it can be surmounted if only you are willing and determined to see it resolved. Just, shell your ego and put more value on your marriage more than those emotional walls that have been preventing both of you from getting into each other. Do not again say your wife is not beautiful. Who had fed you with such a lie? “Beauty,” they say, “is in the eyes of the beholder.” Therefore, I beseech you to look at your wife as the most beautiful and the most precious woman that nature has ever begotten. Make your wife the queen you desired to have as a wife and jettison the awkward notion of leaving her to marry another woman as that may not be a better option – it may be counterproductive.
Permit me to draw your attention to the following scriptural contexts: “…husbands, live with your wife in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3: 7). And, “husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5: 25).
Please my brother, shell your ego and make your marriage work again, I sincerely implore you! You CAN DO IT; it is just a matter of choice and determination, please!
